


That Time Peter Played an Adult Card Game

by Supernaturalislifeforyouandme



Series: That Time Peter... [17]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man: Homecoming (2017), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: But we still love him, Clint is a dumbass, I am unstoppablr, Multi, Peter boi listens to Bo burnham, Precious Peter Parker, The Avengers play cards against humanity, nobody can stop me from doing this, nobody can stop me from this either, sometimes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-18
Updated: 2018-12-18
Packaged: 2019-09-22 10:38:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,485
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17058239
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Supernaturalislifeforyouandme/pseuds/Supernaturalislifeforyouandme
Summary: Everything is going fine until Steve outs Peter for listening to some... Interesting music.That's how he ends up playing Cards Against Humanity with the Avengers.





	That Time Peter Played an Adult Card Game

Peter started off as the only one helping Bucky make cookies. Eventually Steve came in and apologized for scaring Peter, and helped frost the cookies. One by one, the Avengers entered.

Of course, everyone was on high alert for Clint, the archer was bound to sneak in and steal a cookie.

But, as it turns out, they totally underestimated him.

Peter had finished frosting some cookies and set them neatly on a plate, setting it on the counter for Natasha to protect.

And then it happened.

Clint fell down from the vents, grabbed the plate of cookies and ran like hell.

"How could we forget about the vents!?" Natasha yelled, running after Clint.

"THis Is PaYBaCk fOr ThE GIrL ScOUt CoOKiES!" Came Clint's reply as Peter, Steve, Bucky, Natasha and Sam ran after him.

"You can't tell me where you keep your stash and NOT expect me to steal them!" Peter yelled/huffed back.

They all stopped in front of Clint's bedroom door, that had just closed.

"Friday, open Clint's door." Natasha says with a sigh.

"Privacy Protocol is in place." Friday says simply.

"Override: Underoos." Peter says, eager to get his cookies back.

The door opened, though Clint was not in the room.

"Of course he went back to the vents." Peter groans.

"We still have five more plates of cookies." Sam says with a shrug.

"But that's one less plate we have." Bucky grumbles as they head back to the kitchen.

"You're just a petty bitch." Sam says dryly.

"No cursing around my kid, I don't want him picking that shi-stuff up." Tony says, leaning on the counter as he ate a cookie.

"Even though he listens to Bo Burnham?" Steve asks with a raised eyebrow, Tony looking shocked.

"I relate to him on a spiritual level, what can I say?" Peter says with a shrug, his face red.

"So when he says; 'Fuck the rules, fuck the game, fuck you tools, fuck, you're lame', you relate to him?" Sam asks, in shock.

"Not that part! More of the, 'And I can't grow a beard, that one's not ironic, that one's just sad..'." Peter says, his face even more red.

"I think he's ready for the game." Tony says with a small smile.

"No, Tony, he's too young." Steve says pleadingly.

"He listens to Bo. I think he's ready." Sam agrees.

"I don't know who Bo is, but it'd be fun to have him in." Natasha says with a shrug.

"What game?" Peter asks, confused.

"Cards Against Humanity." All the Avengers say in unison, even Clint from the vents.

"We should play now." Bucky says with a small grin.

"I get to join, right?" Clint asks, popping his head out of the vent.

"After you give the cookies back." Bucky says, crossing his arms.

A plate of perfectly frosted cookies then fell out of the vent, landing on the floor and shattering the plate.

Nobody said anything for a solid minute.

"I didn't mean to do that." Clint says quickly.

"You're cleaning that mess up anyway." Tony says, crossing his arms unhappily.

"Can't you get Dum-e to clean it up?" Clint whines as he lowers himself down from the vent.

"No. We'll play a couple rounds without you, you deserve at least that." Tony says, unamused.

"Noooooo!" Clint cries out, like the end of the world was coming.

"Sorry to like, interrupt, but what exactly is Cards Against Humanity?" Peter asks curiously. He had heard of it, but hadn't really played it.

"You ever play Apples to Apples?" Natasha asks.

"Yeah. Who hasn't?" Was Peter's reply.

"It's like the adult version of that." Natasha explains simply.

"Are we playing the original, blue, red or green?" Steve asks as they all start moving to the iving room area.

"The green box is the best, let's go with that one." Bucky says.

"Red is the best, but whatever." Tony says, rolling his eyes.

"The green has-" Bucky was interrupted by Sam.

"No spoilers! It's the kid's first time." Sam hisses.

Peter was starting to get the feeling that this was a mistake as they all sat down and Steve dealt the cards out.

"Oh my god." Peter says quietly, looking down at his cards in shock. Who the hell wrote these?

"It sounds like the kid got good ones." Natasha says with a grin.

"I'll go first." Sam says and takes a black card. "Girls just want to have -blank-." he calls out.

"I can't put any of these cards down!" Peter says, going red in the face.

"Just do it, Peter. Trust me, it'll be funny." Tony says with a grin, putting his card down.

"Fine." Peter grumbles, putting his card down. He was going to hell.

"Alright, let's do this!" Sam says with a smile, shuffling the cards before reading them.

"Girls just wanna have Trevor, the worlds greatest boyfriend."  
Everyone nodded in appreciation. It was an attempt.

"Girls just wanna have a women's right to choose."  
Peter made an 'oof'.

"Girls just wanna have feminism."

"I sense a theme." Sam comments before moving on.

"Girls just wanna have a duffel bag full of lizards."

"I do too, so it's not limited to just girls." Peter points out.

"Girls just wanna have daddy going away forever."

Everyone laughed at that one and of course, Sam chose daddy going away forever. Nobody was quick to take it, and all of them looked to a grinning Peter.

"That, um, that was mine." Peter says sheepishly.

"Wow, kid. Your turn to judge." Tony says, handing Peter a black card.

"Wow, okay, oof." Peter says before reading it out loud. "Do you know who else liked -blank-? Hitler."

"Alright, kid. Read 'em and weep." Natasha says with a grin once everyone was finished.

"You know who else liked denying the Holocaust? Hitler."  
"You know who else liked getting eaten out by a dog? Hitler."  
"You know who else liked putting more black people in jail? Hitler."  
"You know who else liked trees? Hitler."  
"You know who else liked one of them big city jew lawyers? Hitler."

Peter was laughing too hard to choose right away.  
"I'm pretty sure he didn't like Jew lawyers, but denying the Holocaust was too perfect. Who had that?" Peter asks, holding said card up.

"That was me, Pete." Tony says with a grin, taking his earned black card.

"That's terrible, Tony." Steve says, but couldn't keep himself from smiling.

"This game is terrible." Tony says, rolling his eyes as he chose his card. "What totally destroyed my asshole?"

"Okay, so what totally destroyed my asshole? Having sex with a man and then eating his head."  
"Gregor, my largest son, destroyed my asshole."  
"A weird guy who says weird stuff and weirds me out destroyed my asshole."  
"The wind destroyed my asshole."  
"The mysterious fog rolling into town destroyed my asshole."

Tony, and the rest of the Avengers, were rightfully laughing their butts off.

"Who had Gregor?" Tony asks, wiping a tear from the corner of his eye.

"I did!" Peter says with a bright smile.

"I think Peter might take your title as the master." Bucky says, fairly surprised.

And so it went like this for a few more hours. Okay, it went like that until 11pm. Eventually Clint was allowed to join.

"Don't you have school tomorrow, Peter?" Steve asks curiously, after checking the time at 10:42 pm.

"Oh no, I do." Peter says with a frown. They had blown through the green, red and blue expansion packs and were working on the original one.

"You better get to sleep, kiddo." Tony says, after checking the time.

"You should too. See you guys tomorrow!" Peter says and headed off to get ready for bed.

 

\---

 

The next morning, Peter woke up at 7. Sure, he didn't have to be at school until 8:30, but he liked being awake for that.

And less sleep=less nightmare time.

Peter sighs as he went into the living room, seeing that nobody picked the cards up. Oh well, it had been a little late. He shrugged to himself and finished getting ready for school, heading back to the living room and setting his bag down while he waited for Happy to say it was time for school.

When he did, Peter got up, grabbed his backpack, and headed out to the garage with Happy.

Everything seemed normal. Of course he didn't notice the black card stuck to his dark blue backpack. It wouldn't have been too much of a problem if the black card had been facing down.

But no.

And it had to be' Ooo, daddy like -blank-'

And still, Peter did not notice as he walked around school.

And yet, he still did not notice as some teens put sticky notes on his backpack, with answers.

Only did he notice when he heard the principal.

"Mr. Parker, what is on your backpack?"

**Author's Note:**

> Lol, if anyone is wondering where I got the inspiration for this beautiful work of art, I went to a girl scout event. And well, I thought I'd take a fun party game. So what did I do? I put my set of Cards Against Humanity in an Apples to Apples box. It was beautiful. I am currently waiting to see if I'll be banned from going to another one.
> 
>  
> 
> And also, whoever comes up with the best answer to one of my favorite black cards, gets a free request. You have until Christmas. Good luck.
> 
> Try going down on a man and surprising him with -blank- instead.


End file.
